So here’s the thing: when I’m topping someone, I don’t like to share. I’m possessive and protective and I don’t play nicely with others.

When I’m in a submissive mindset, it’s a different story.

I went to the London Fetish Fair on Sunday. I’d come from doing other things, so I wasn’t really dressed for the occasion. It didn’t feel right, not having anything to show that I belonged, so I wrapped a coil of rope around each wrist and left the ends dangling at the back of my hands. Naturally, one of the tops I’d come with tied the ends together behind my back.
We went to watch a demonstration, and I knelt with my back to a wall. Partly I just didn’t want to stand through the whole thing, and partly I was feeling submissive. Janus, who’d tied my hands together, started playing gently with Artemis, and I found to my surprise that I wasn’t jealous. I didn’t feel possessive of Artemis, who also subs to me, or of Janus, who was currently my top. He was playing with someone else instead of me, and that was okay. I felt like a loyal toy – if he wanted to play with one of his other toys instead, that was his right, and it didn’t hurt that he’d chosen to. He’d play with me later, if he wanted me, and in the meantime I’d just kneel here and wait for instructions.

When Artemis came over and knelt beside me, we leaned on each other affectionately, and the mindset that I was a loyal toy didn’t change. It was okay for us to be affectionate, because nobody cares what the toys do when they aren’t in use. And when Artemis asked me to play with them, that was okay too – but I needed Janus to give permission before I let Artemis untie me. I could know I wanted to top them within the co-subbing mindset, and I could know that it was permitted for us to play with each other, but to be untied without permission would have felt like rebellion. It wasn’t that topping someone was rebellious, it was that I had been tied up by the boss, and the boss had final say over whether I could be untied.

Later, Artemis was being beaten by Pandora. I was delightfully floaty from subbing, and I knew I was going to feel left out and possibly jealous if I switched into topspace, so I made an effort to keep myself subby. I knelt down again, in an out-of-the-way corner where I could watch the scene without interfering, and tried to summon up the mindset I’d had earlier.
It worked – it was easy. I was a sub, they were a sub, they were being played with, I was being allowed to watch, and life was good.

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